My heart is in disarray these days, and after spending this
last week with mom at the assisted living home where she now lives, I have come
back home with separation anxiety... my little heart-house feels empty, and darkened
by a dreadful feeling of anticipated losses and anticipatory grief...
I have always been very close to my mother. Attachment is an emotional, long-lasting bond
that a child forms and, for some of us, this bond last forever... it does not
matter how old I am, we are bonded to
each other with "emotional glue" — bonded with love. The thought of losing her is overwhelming. I cannot speak on this any further, my heart
is shut, and thus I will sit on a field of wildflowers and pretend I'm Alice in
Wonderland, or Peter Pan, or Jack climbing on a beanstalk that goes way up to some other better world...
Our bedroom feels cool, or cooler upon our return, and I'm
loving all this pleasant fusion of grays and whites... this soft brightest when
morning sun hits the windows and the room gets illuminated, and dulled up at
the same time by the magic of neutrals.
Mirrors... I love mirrors
I would follow this trend again and again,
in whatever house I live...
They add such glamorous feel to this room.
Would my white, mirrored wall look better if I paint it in a darker color?
Say, something like this moody color on this other wall here?
I love this paint so much! The name is Kendall Charcoal, from BM
The end of August has fully clad the garden in its finest
finery. Roses, crepe myrtles, azaleas,
vines and butterfly bushes are clothed in their most excellent showy garments, and
I sit in my red garden chair and can hardly believe this is all mine... all
mine! What glorious, little paradise I
have created here. Although I am sure I hadn't
work alone. Certainly, this work of art had
not come solely from my fallible, human hands. Angels must had worked very hard
next to me. I am humbled, and truly amazed
by every precious gift, small and big, that have been bestowed upon me these past
four years. I cannot even begin to
mention all the dreams and desires of my heart that have come true... one by
one. One day, I will share these stories
with you, but for now I remain humble, and expectant of what's to come;
completely aware that what is truly important are the simple, basic things in
life... honest, pure emotions surrounded by the majestic beauty of nature, and
love for each other...
Thank you for being here with me, my friends! I count you as part of all the blessings I've
been showered with on this life... THANK YOU!
I think.... I really don't know.... But I think.... That these last 4 years.... In the south.... Are coming to a close..... I think.....
ReplyDeleteWhatever the decision, I wish you peace and joy and calmness of mind and soul.
Wherever you live...
Whatever clouds pass your way...
Many, many gentle hugs,
Luna Crone
You're so wise.... love to see you here.
DeleteCielo
My heart goes out to you. This message on your blog today, touched home with me. My Mother was in assisted living for only 3 months before she died, 19 years ago (how can it be that long ago??) and I still miss her and think of her every day. We too, were so close, as you and your Mother are. My heart is filled with memories, and life has gotten softer as the years go by. On another note, your bedroom mirrors are lovely. I too, am in love with mirrors, and have a wall full of them in my bedroom like yours. Love the charcoal wall...mirrors with gold frames would really show up beautifully. I wish you the best.. hang in there, gardens are good for the soul...hugs ,Bonnie
ReplyDeleteYour words are like little bells of encouragement and peace ringing in my heart... thank you so much for sharing your life's experience with me... I truly appreciate it.
DeleteHugs and blessings to you my friend
Cielo
I am right there with you... just a few months or years farther down the path... and I can shut my eyes and imagine my dear little mother in the other room. Sometimes, often really, I listen for her because I was always alert while she was alive... I can assure you only that I really do not think Mothers ever leave this earth while their children are alive... Be Peter Pan or whoever makes you happy. Your home is lovely, and oh that garden! Beyond the imagination! You have beauty in your fingertips, your vision, and your soul. Bless you!
ReplyDeleteHow beautiful... to be able to use our experiences to support those who are going down the same road... I so appreciate you.
DeleteHugs
Cielo
My Mother died at age 54--47 years ago. It is the hardest thing--especially for a daughter. It sounds selfish, but I wish my Mother could have lived into her 90's, like my disapproving father did. Even if she had been ill, we still would have had years and years to be together.
ReplyDeleteDreaming and hoping on that day when we can be reunited with our loved ones again...
DeleteHope, and faith...
Cielo
Mother live on in our hearts, in things we do just like they did, in our thoughts. My momma died 5 years ago and there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about her. A few weeks I was given some things from her house, so I have been going through things of hers and her mothers. I think the 2 of them were the women I have most loved in my life. My first name is after my grandmother so I think that was a special connection from the day I was born. I have been copying and printing "old family pictures" so put in some scrapbooks, along with cards and things they kept because they meant something to them. I feel like I am the family historian. I want to write things down so some day someone may read and understand the women they didn't get to kow.
ReplyDeleteWhat a nice idea to make a scrapbook... and I know exactly what you mean about the 'connection'.... I too was named after my mom... I see so much of her in me, that to see contemplate her in her present condition it is frightening...
DeleteCielo
Sorry for the mistakes in there. I know I should proofread before pushing send.
ReplyDeleteNo problem, my friend. We all do that... ;)
DeleteHugs
Cielo
Ps: Every time we go to Costco (Ringold) I think of you! We live so close from each other...
Cielo
I am sorry about your mom, Cielo. Such a beautifully written sentiment about our bond with our mothers. Your mirrored wall is gorgeous. It looks lovely on the white but it would look good on the gray too and I like your lamps. Thanks for sharing your wonderful space.
ReplyDeleteI love those lamps too... can you believe I found them at our local thrift store... for $12.99 each. And I didn't even had to paint them! Just changed the shades.
DeleteCielo
Dear Cielo~I love your wall of mirrors. It seems so perfect for this post you wrote about your beloved Mom also. Whether small or large, each one gives a glimpse of something behind or on the other side of where you are. Like memories, you may long to linger with the view or try a different aspect hoping to gain a better perspective. Maybe your decorating spirit is ahead of you, giving you eyes to see and cherish each moment as if in a lovely frame.
ReplyDeleteI share this with love and understanding. Some things are too precious to put in black and white too soon.
((hugs))
What beautiful thoughts and sentiments. Your words are so wise, and deep and I truly appreciate them. Thank you.
DeleteCielo
Thank you, Rita!
ReplyDeleteCielo
I know what you mean about your Mother. I miss mine so much. We had our good times and bad times but she was always in my life and heart. I hated when she went into an assisted home, but she needed medical care that I could not give her. I wished all children cared about their parents the way we do. Some are not lucky and do not know what they had til they are gone.
ReplyDelete