Confucius

I'm exhausted... feeling fatigued and drowsy, and I guess I hadn't realized that when in doubt, or when you find yourself in unwanted circumstances or stressful situations, when you don't know exactly how you want to advance, or what to do, or go about or know not what you ache for, or dare dream of meeting your heart’s longing, you do get tired and worn-out.  The mind it does have an incredible amount of power over our bodies... 

...and thus, I had my first job interview today, and I feel awkward with myself, and remorseful and still in doubt about what I said and will be saying, because those nice people had already formed the idea that I was going to accept their excellent offer, and I didn't... or haven't, and they were so pleasant, and showed me around the place, room by room, and they introduced me to everyone, and I got to meet all office support and some of the other attorneys too, and then when I was brought back to the interview room and those nice attorneys who were to be, or are going to be my immediate bosses asked me what I thought, I got this inexplicable, frightening feeling in me, and I felt a tight knot in the pit of my stomach and my mind just flew out of there, it flew and flew far away and all the way to the little white cottage, and I saw the little white cottage sitting under the bluest of sky all bathed in glorious, sweet sunshine, and I saw myself standing in the middle of the garden with arms and hands lifted up to the heavens, feeling the gentle, luminous tide of my soul; revived and joyfully free, and then, I opened up my mouth and heard myself telling those nice people the first thing that came to my tongue...   

Trying not to sound too foolish, or too crazy, I told them that they needed to wait on my response, because I was waiting to hear from another job I was really interested, which it is true only in part, and I may or may not be called for an interview with those other people, and all of a sudden I saw their disappointment on their faces, and saw how their mouth dropped and the nice lady attorney told me she truly appreciated me telling them about it out front, and being truthful, and the nice senior attorney asked me if I could give them my response by next week, no later that by next week and I promised them I would and said my good-byes and left feeling somber and happy and frankly, I just don't know what I truly, really should do, or shouldn't do, or why or even what I want... people's expectations of me causes such pressure.  My spirit is wobbly and my mind is confused.